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© Copyright 2007, Mountain Kids Magazine, LLC

Gunnison and Crested Butte Colorado Family Activity Guide -- Summer 2006
Feature: Intentional Parenting

By Deborah Tutnauer, MEd, MSW, LCSW

There are many different books concerning parenting theories and philosophies. You can enter any bookstore and choose from among tens to hundreds of authors and subjects: Jim Fay, Barbara Coloroso, Richard Ferber; advice about explosive, shy, difficult or depressed children; information about parenting your child and parenting your child with . Some of the books are great, some are merely good. Some, I wonder how they ever got published. Overall, even the most questionable have at least something to offer that can help you parent.

So how do you choose what parenting methods to use? Your sister thinks time-outs are great. Do you do that? Your neighbor's kids sleep through the night.
Ferber1 sounds good. Those slings look so cozy. How about Dr. William Sears
and attachment parenting?

Have you ever contemplated what comes prior to making a decision about how you want to parent? What is the role that core values play in parenting choices? What messages are conveyed to your children by the choices you make and the behaviors that you typically display?

Most of us know about Ghandi and his non-violent approach. When asked by a reporter, "What is your message?" Ghandi replied, "My life is my message."

What did he mean by this? I believe he meant that how we act, what we choose, our use of language, and how we treat others, all send the clearest message as to who we are and what are our dearest held values. Thus, one can speak about
kindness, but if your children observe you kicking the dog or being irate with the telephone repair person, kindness is the not the message they actually receive.

How do you parent in a manner that is a reflection of your deepest values? How do you live so that the message of your life is the message of who you truly are?

1. Clearly define in your own mind and spirit your values and beliefs. Have
   discussions about what has meaning. Spend a few sessions with a coach who specializes in helping you sort out values and meaning in your life.
2. Understand the goals and dreams you have for yourself and for your family.
3. Explore and appreciate your parenting style. What are your strengths? What areas get in your way? You can begin to figure this out through dialogue. Assessment tools are also available through professionals who specialize in
   family support that can help you do this.
4. Create the space to be mindful and conscious. This includes: Time alone, meditation, taking a breath, counting to ten, yoga and other things of this nature.
5. Think through decisions so you are able to respond consciously rather than being reactive. Especially once your children are school age, you can take some time to think about the appropriate course of action when a complex situation arises and let them know your thoughts later.
6. Plan ahead for regularly occurring scenarios.
7. Ask, what is the message that I am giving in this situation? What am I teaching my child with my behavior? What do I want to teach my child instead?
8. Learn a communication skill/philosophy such as active listening, or Nonviolent Communication2 to use as a tool. Skills such as these can be learned through books, courses or brief work with a family professional.

Parenting is the most difficult job you will ever have. It is also the most rewarding and fulfilling. You have the ability to offer the children you so love the foundation and experiences to thrive. This is the greatest gift a parent can bestow. You have it within you right now, to do this. Take the time. Be mindful. Think. Breathe.

Deborah Tutnauer, MEd, MSW, LCSW has lived in Crested Butte for 11 years, and has been working professionally with children and families since 1985. She has developed and shares with parents, The Intentional Parenting Program. This is a strength-based, private coaching/education program expanding on the contents of this article. The program is available locally and long-distance. Contact Ms. Tutnauer at 970-349-2650 for more information.

1 Ferber, Richard. Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems. Simon and Schuster, New York. 1985.
2 Center for Nonviolent Communication